sighs

my grandfather passed away. it's been nearly four days and i still have no words.

people have asked me if we were close. i'm sure it's more of a measure with which to grasp how deep my grief and bereavement are, but i find it irrelevant. in any case, i should think that the loss of anyone is cause for mourning.

i don't want to face the world.

i would not say that my grandfather and i were "close". but again, it depends on what you want to define as "close" --- if one meant sharing inside jokes and long talks, then no, we were not close. but i am a first generation asian-american and my family holds on tight to their steadfast traditional values and beliefs. it is not only a mindset, but a lifestyle.

somehow, i still seem to think that every body, if not most people, live near and see their grandparents and family on a relatively frequent basis. growing up, my grandparents were always there. literally. back in the old country (i've never been able to say that, i just wanted to sneak that in there) ... households consisted of whole families together under one roof. there was no question about it. if a man were to marry, his wife moves in and becomes part of his household and there they would live with his parents and his brother's families. they would start their family like this, and this was how it was for me as a child. i grew up on a little farm in suburban california with my mom and dad, my brother, my grandparents and three uncles.

on the weekends, my mother would always drive us over to my other grandparents home. i can't even begin to describe what that was like for me, but i know that it is one of the main reasons why i long for a large family, despite all the drama that can come along with it. you just feel like you belong, without question.

it's hard to explain. my father's side of the family is somewhat distant, but it is your paternal grandparents that are most important to you because you "follow" your father's side of the family. there are distinctions made in the names you call everyone. but my mother's side of the family is a ball; there is always drama, but you loved it, because it gave everyone character. my father's side is a family of 8 children, and my mother's side is a family of 10. however, it's my mother's side that has most of the family located within (at most) a 30 minute drive from one another, and it's my mother's side that always had some family gathering, formal or not, and there was that feel that you can just 'drop by' for a chat just as you can have an excuse to be there. you were just family. no questions about it. it's my mother's side where i have nearly 50 cousins, too.

but it's different with my dad's family. two of my uncles never married, and my two aunts are either distant literally or figuratively. they're quiet and keep to themselves. those that do have children don't want to associate with each other because they have their own respective lives to attend to and that's fair, isn't it? but there's no sense of family. but my grandparents, they were always there. always. even when they moved out of our little farm, they were there or we were there (albeit less than occasionally). for twenty two years, they have been at every single chinese new year celebration in our household.

what i'm getting on with is that they held a constant place in my life. something that i think i was too attached to, but for good reasons. i mean, they are my grandparents, and they hold that one available position just like my parents do. what do i do? i know i have not 'lost' them, but they aren't there and that is what troubles me. life changes; it does not simply move on as it was before.

when my grandfather on my mother's side died, there was grief, but there was also support for one another. then, when my grandmother and uncle died (on the same side), it seems our family fell apart. there is no longer the same relative intimacy that was there before. they were like the strings that held us all apart, and when they passed, it was as if the knot was cut and we all fell into our own lives.

i don't know a whole lot about my grandfather. i don't know everything about his childhood, nor what he did back in vietnam or anything about his previous marriage; i don't know anything about his hobbies that he liked to do as a young man, what his job was, his favorite kind of dessert --- i don't know any of that.

but that's not what matters to me. he's my grandfather. and i miss him. sigh.

seriously? is this 2010?

on my way to the geisel this afternoon, there was a crowd of people on library walk getting pumped and ready to march on the chancellor's complex. if it hasn't been picked up by the media enough, there has been a lot of commotion over the past few days about the event "compton cookout" put on by bored college students in honor of "black history month."

it makes me sick to know that there is still people like this, and my first impression was that this is the reality. it's the same as knowing that there are starving kids in the world, there is war and conflict, and there is hate and violence. it only hits home when it is close to home.

i've had waivering opinions about this whole things yes, i do agree that such a thing should not go unnoticed, however, it should not be a cause for unrealistic demands and cries for such dramatic action. among many of the demands made by groups banding together over this outrage, i find several to be a little "ridiculous" --- for lack of a better word. above it all, i feel the demands call for special treatment to minorities here, and not necessarily because of how they have all been treated as a whole by the university but because of what some immature college students think they can do while hiding behind the blanketed security of "freedom of speech."

let me explain. they demand a 'safe space' on campus while an african-american resource center is built ... i'm not necessarily opposed to such a center being constructed, but i feel that while there is a demand for an 'african-american resource center' --- why not one for asians? for latinos? for native americans? why don't we all just segregate these resource centers for their respective races and ethnicities? and even then, it would be constructed from this whole event, which many view as being blown way out of proportion ... i anticipate a little negativity or tarnished view of it. see, if this resource center was erected WITHOUT this incident, then it would be a great feat towards diversity here ... for multicultural purposes ... not solely for african-americans.

they also demand free tutors for african-americans, as well as a stipend for volunteer work. is it just me, or does this seem not only IMPROBABLE but outside of reason? there ARE places on campus to get tutoring --- one simply has to be resourceful enough to go and seek the aid of these services. and many do --- why the special treatment? and volunteer work is not volunteer work if it is PAID --- by definition, volunteering, or the verb volunteer is to willing give one's service without pay. otherwise, couldn't every campus job could be seen as volunteer work? or that the students who volunteer their time as part of clubs or in hospitals and labs, couldn't they be paid as well? why should a certain group get paid for "volunteer work" and not others? it is essentially a job, then, are they demanding money for volunteer work or more jobs available to only african americans?

the last comment i want to make on the demands is that of the financial education and counseling for students who are from low-income, underpriviledged communities ... i'm sorry, but the university is NOT your mommy. resources can be made available in the form of articles, tips, and information on how to manage these things, but to demand special counseling for these students? it's not that i think it's a completely bad idea, but i don't think that the university should be accountable for something like this. this is COLLEGE, not a playground. there aren't yard duty supervisors watching you while you play around. some kids take this seriously and some don't. college is an EXPERIENCE, it's a PRIVILEGE. of course there will be those who will always have an advantage over others, but who cares? you make do with what you have --- it's character building. you fuck up, and then you pay, but you learn. and if you don't learn, you will continue to fuck up until you learn, if you do. and quite honestly, i don't think 'financial education and counseling' is necessary. those who seek, will find. the same people who apply to scholarships, take on campus jobs, budget their money and plan their courses/future accordingly will succeed. those who expect or demand services to be available to them lose the desire to be proactive about what they want and how to move towards appropriate measures to get to them.

i feel like i am preaching to the choir! there are demands that i would love to be instituted here .. like the designed art spaces, and etc. to me, many of these demands seem to highlight shortcomings of a minority that expect the university to make up for. i don't believe in special treatment to those who are fully capable of getting what they want out of their college experience. to me, it represents even a better challenge to overcome even the smallest amount of negativity or stereotypical perspectives. it may be a passionate view, and i will admit now and will always admit that i cannot fully understand how those targeted feel.

it just seems to me that being a minority is almost seen as a DISABILITY! STOP DOING THIS! being a minority means no such thing! i have not seen resources and services here being preferentially provided to people of caucausian decent or asian decent over the smaller minorities. i have not once felt like the university/campus as a whole was a threatening place to be.

i'm asian, and the university happens to have a good majority of asian college students, but before coming here i was at a high school where asians were the great minority. if ever i achieved success, it was attributed to my "asianness" and not by personal merit. i began to justify doing well in school and being goal-oriented to my "asianness" and began to see myself just "as asian" instead of just me. could we avoid these stereotypes? there's nothing wrong with embracing one's race and cultural background, but it seems that demanding special treatment implies that you are ... special. but in this situation, the special means something entirely different than unique.

there is also that question about why it's almost acceptable that races and minorities are seemingly 'allowed' to make fun of others, but that others cannot make fun of them. the argument is about the existence of a double standard ... well, how about we NOT do it at all? are we mature college students or not? seriously.

i do hope some good will come out of this situation.

constantly moving

this is what i'd like to be doing

first

lately, i've been feeling like my life is a little bit stifling --- suppressed like the snug kind of fit provided by that extra sweater mom always made you wear but it just itched your neck. i find myself more negative than i am supposed to be; more negative than i want to be. i've noticed that i am using a lot of "i feel" in all of my sentences, a sure sign to me that i'm justifying the way that i feel by stating so.

it almost feels like a mid-life crisis. i'm in a mode of panic! i'm laughing at this because, what do you know? i'm only twenty-two years old and i have my life ahead of me. the more graduation looms ahead, the more i am afraid of the inevitable. i guess when you spend your life watching life around you go by, you trip on your own feet when you find yourself moving along with it. in this case, i feel swept along with the current.

i wake up in san diego, and some days it feels as if i have been picked up and placed here. how did i get here? why does my mind refuse to keep up with reality? i'm panicking and panicking. some days i wish i can press the fast forward button in my life, skipping ahead to where i'm settled with a family and a home i can call my own.

then i laugh. i may as well fast forward to my own death.

i'm being silly, i think. it's those moments in between the stages of life that build character; it's no wonder that i feel i've lost myself. this is why i'm blogging. i don't know what it is about a fresh new blog that quell's the yearning desire to be someone. perhaps it's like they say: blogging may be a form of narcissism, a belief that our own individual lives are important, that someone out there may find the glimpses into our lives fascinating and captivating enough to hang onto every post and word.

it's true: i have that affinity to define myself through labels, as most are apt to do. we are a female or a male, a college student or a doctor, a mother or a father, friend or foe ... cue in the list of hobbies we use as adjectives by the convenient use of er ... photographer, runner, knitter, singer, dancer, etc ... what is it about this need for an identity that trumps all else? i have my number one above all else; second to that, being 'judy' simple is not enough. even then, i can have multiple 'names' and still it could not describe me. don't get me wrong; i am not a deep thinker nor am just sitting on the sidelides, analyzing all the plays. i just wonder what compels me to be typing this post (for kicks, i'm typing in lowercase to be rebellious; punctuation drives me nuts when i'm not instant messaging).

some people rant. some people use it as a diary. others share their lives with loved ones. some people share ideas. what is my purpose?

dunno.