my grandfather passed away. it's been nearly four days and i still have no words.
people have asked me if we were close. i'm sure it's more of a measure with which to grasp how deep my grief and bereavement are, but i find it irrelevant. in any case, i should think that the loss of anyone is cause for mourning.
i don't want to face the world.
i would not say that my grandfather and i were "close". but again, it depends on what you want to define as "close" --- if one meant sharing inside jokes and long talks, then no, we were not close. but i am a first generation asian-american and my family holds on tight to their steadfast traditional values and beliefs. it is not only a mindset, but a lifestyle.
people have asked me if we were close. i'm sure it's more of a measure with which to grasp how deep my grief and bereavement are, but i find it irrelevant. in any case, i should think that the loss of anyone is cause for mourning.
i don't want to face the world.
i would not say that my grandfather and i were "close". but again, it depends on what you want to define as "close" --- if one meant sharing inside jokes and long talks, then no, we were not close. but i am a first generation asian-american and my family holds on tight to their steadfast traditional values and beliefs. it is not only a mindset, but a lifestyle.
somehow, i still seem to think that every body, if not most people, live near and see their grandparents and family on a relatively frequent basis. growing up, my grandparents were always there. literally. back in the old country (i've never been able to say that, i just wanted to sneak that in there) ... households consisted of whole families together under one roof. there was no question about it. if a man were to marry, his wife moves in and becomes part of his household and there they would live with his parents and his brother's families. they would start their family like this, and this was how it was for me as a child. i grew up on a little farm in suburban california with my mom and dad, my brother, my grandparents and three uncles.
on the weekends, my mother would always drive us over to my other grandparents home. i can't even begin to describe what that was like for me, but i know that it is one of the main reasons why i long for a large family, despite all the drama that can come along with it. you just feel like you belong, without question.
it's hard to explain. my father's side of the family is somewhat distant, but it is your paternal grandparents that are most important to you because you "follow" your father's side of the family. there are distinctions made in the names you call everyone. but my mother's side of the family is a ball; there is always drama, but you loved it, because it gave everyone character. my father's side is a family of 8 children, and my mother's side is a family of 10. however, it's my mother's side that has most of the family located within (at most) a 30 minute drive from one another, and it's my mother's side that always had some family gathering, formal or not, and there was that feel that you can just 'drop by' for a chat just as you can have an excuse to be there. you were just family. no questions about it. it's my mother's side where i have nearly 50 cousins, too.
but it's different with my dad's family. two of my uncles never married, and my two aunts are either distant literally or figuratively. they're quiet and keep to themselves. those that do have children don't want to associate with each other because they have their own respective lives to attend to and that's fair, isn't it? but there's no sense of family. but my grandparents, they were always there. always. even when they moved out of our little farm, they were there or we were there (albeit less than occasionally). for twenty two years, they have been at every single chinese new year celebration in our household.
what i'm getting on with is that they held a constant place in my life. something that i think i was too attached to, but for good reasons. i mean, they are my grandparents, and they hold that one available position just like my parents do. what do i do? i know i have not 'lost' them, but they aren't there and that is what troubles me. life changes; it does not simply move on as it was before.
when my grandfather on my mother's side died, there was grief, but there was also support for one another. then, when my grandmother and uncle died (on the same side), it seems our family fell apart. there is no longer the same relative intimacy that was there before. they were like the strings that held us all apart, and when they passed, it was as if the knot was cut and we all fell into our own lives.
i don't know a whole lot about my grandfather. i don't know everything about his childhood, nor what he did back in vietnam or anything about his previous marriage; i don't know anything about his hobbies that he liked to do as a young man, what his job was, his favorite kind of dessert --- i don't know any of that.
but that's not what matters to me. he's my grandfather. and i miss him. sigh.
on the weekends, my mother would always drive us over to my other grandparents home. i can't even begin to describe what that was like for me, but i know that it is one of the main reasons why i long for a large family, despite all the drama that can come along with it. you just feel like you belong, without question.
it's hard to explain. my father's side of the family is somewhat distant, but it is your paternal grandparents that are most important to you because you "follow" your father's side of the family. there are distinctions made in the names you call everyone. but my mother's side of the family is a ball; there is always drama, but you loved it, because it gave everyone character. my father's side is a family of 8 children, and my mother's side is a family of 10. however, it's my mother's side that has most of the family located within (at most) a 30 minute drive from one another, and it's my mother's side that always had some family gathering, formal or not, and there was that feel that you can just 'drop by' for a chat just as you can have an excuse to be there. you were just family. no questions about it. it's my mother's side where i have nearly 50 cousins, too.
but it's different with my dad's family. two of my uncles never married, and my two aunts are either distant literally or figuratively. they're quiet and keep to themselves. those that do have children don't want to associate with each other because they have their own respective lives to attend to and that's fair, isn't it? but there's no sense of family. but my grandparents, they were always there. always. even when they moved out of our little farm, they were there or we were there (albeit less than occasionally). for twenty two years, they have been at every single chinese new year celebration in our household.
what i'm getting on with is that they held a constant place in my life. something that i think i was too attached to, but for good reasons. i mean, they are my grandparents, and they hold that one available position just like my parents do. what do i do? i know i have not 'lost' them, but they aren't there and that is what troubles me. life changes; it does not simply move on as it was before.
when my grandfather on my mother's side died, there was grief, but there was also support for one another. then, when my grandmother and uncle died (on the same side), it seems our family fell apart. there is no longer the same relative intimacy that was there before. they were like the strings that held us all apart, and when they passed, it was as if the knot was cut and we all fell into our own lives.
i don't know a whole lot about my grandfather. i don't know everything about his childhood, nor what he did back in vietnam or anything about his previous marriage; i don't know anything about his hobbies that he liked to do as a young man, what his job was, his favorite kind of dessert --- i don't know any of that.
but that's not what matters to me. he's my grandfather. and i miss him. sigh.
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