at first sight

i woke up hitting the imaginary snooze button repeatedly until i eventually had to face the day. today. i hate today. i said the same thing the past few days, and undoubtedly will say the same about these upcoming days.

this might be proof that human beings are irrational. i have the blessed opportunity to go to college and here i am, moping, and unable to focus or even look at my school work. i can't do it. at least not right now.

over the weekend, i did what any intelligent human being seeking knowledge does (... no, not surf the internet). i should revise myself and say what any old-fashioned intelligent human being seeking knowledge does --- i went to the library. there's something comforting about a book. it might be because of the belief that there is an answer somewhere on the pages. i guess i was desperate. it was hard to walk past the aisles of self-help books promising happiness, promising healthy families, promising love and peace --- i wasn't desperate enough to leaf through pages telling me how to be happy. as i searched for a couple of hours, it become apparent to me that what i was looking for a book that was happiness.

it's analogous to that extra pair of black strappy heels. it makes you feel good, it'd make you feel happy, and you buy them because you think that these gorgeous pair of comfortable fitting shoes are happiness.

but there's so much to get out of a good book. we learn the lessons vicariously through authors who may or may not have exaggerated their own private experiences, but at least we can relate. we don't feel so alone anymore. we leaf through pages of words and hope to find the sentences that feed our soul the peace that we seek, the solution to all the torment we are internally experiencing. it means different things to different people, but for me, there's a sense of passive empathy that is bidirectional.

and then, all of the sudden, i'm calm. i'm happy. i know that it's not an everlasting emotion, but unlike a pair of shoes, the feeling does not dissipate at the very moment they slide off my feet or taken out of sight. in my mind, i can carry those words of wisdom like little precious gems wherever i go.

and really, that's all i need right now. whatever it takes to get by.